Match Reports 2014

return of the mack

The trusty Urban Dictionary defines a Mack as; a person who is smooth, slick, the Best of the Best, a Pimp, a Ladies Man, the guy who runs everything a.k.a. the Boss. A Mack is a person who is always flirting and hitting on girls. Almost always successful at it too. Some of you may already know where I’m going with this…

Prologue

Saturday 17th of May. 1.25pm.

A conversation between the Cornfield End Umpire and your own trusted reporter (who had gallantly offered to open the batting on a soft-top; no thanks necessary).

Umpire – “I take it that old opening bat doesn’t play for you any more then?”

The Correspondent – “Which old opening bat would you be referring to Sir?” As if I needed to ask…

Umpire – “The Durham chap with the shaggy hair. Bill?”

The Correspondent – “Ah yes, I know the one… Yes, yes, he’s very much still playing.”

Umpire – “Oh… I haven’t seen him?!”

The correspondent – “That would be down to the fact he’s yet to arrive, but I’m assured he is en route, in fact… Yes that’s him and his motor now.”

Umpire – “You’re joking? The clapped out Rolls Royce?!?”

Was the umpire referring to the car? Probably. But just maybe, he had inadvertently stumbled upon the finest description of the MCC’s talismanic, Durham born, opening batsman, this reporter had ever heard.

The time was 12.08pm, on the afternoon of May 17th, as Marshfield’s 1XI captain made his now customary call, “Are you driving Bill? Good, where are you? This side of Melksham? Fantastic, see you in 25 minutes.”. For those of you not familiar with the area and its roads, this was not too bold a claim, see below.

Readers, you can make up your own mind as to why our trusty opener had opted to detour via Melksham en route from London (and I’ve no doubt the majority of you will have similar ideas), but the point is this; irrespective of what time Bill tells you he will arrive for a league fixture, to determine what time he will actually arrive, the following simple formula must be applied. Take the start time of your cricket match, call him, and add on however many minutes he claims he is from the ground:

1pm Start Time + “25 minutes skip” = 1.25pm arrival : Clockwork

 The Cricket

There were various impressive statistics to come out of the weekend, all of which are worthy of mention at some point, but only one of which deserves to be acknowledged in the first line of this report, and that is the senior results summary for the weekend of the 17th of May; played 4, won 4. - Happy Hour!

As you may now have realised following my previous report, this will feature very little in the way of actual cricket action, but I will do my best to fill you in on some of highlights of Saturday’s 1XI clash with Calne. Toss won, Marshfield opted to bat, and the new look opening partnership of James ‘The Correspondent’ Williams and Will ‘The Grinder Still Batting in Wayne’s Shadow’ Pascall gave the hosts a positive start; 50 on the board inside 8 overs at the fall of the first wicket. A useful start. ACBR

Sadly for the visitors, that only brought form man in the WEPL, David ‘I Might Love Cricket A Bit Too Much At The Moment’ Jenkins to the crease, who despite the loss of another wicket with the score on 80, simply picked up where he left off a fortnight ago against Winsley. Allying his ridiculous hand eye co-ordination with a blinding hatred for every opposition team he comes up against, he is starting to look fairly formidable with the bat this year, and proceeded to add another 84 this week to go with his 79 two weeks previously. As now appears to be his way, Dave valiantly gave his wicket away again in order that others might have a go, rather than get a ton himself.

But while the modern day, T20 generation, enjoyed the frenzied slashing and hoisting proffered to them by Messrs. Williams and Jenkins, the true purists of the game were being treated to a free lesson in building an inning by ‘The Mack’ himself. Coming in at a less familiar number four in the order, a combination of well-judged singles, intelligently manoeuvred twos, begrudgingly taken threes, sumptuously driven fours and one sweetly timed straight six, all featured in the old maestro’s return to action.

The Mack and the Maniac’s partnership of 161 took the total to 233 with the 9 overs left, and in the process secured maximum batting points. As a further 42 runs saw the score reach a formidable 275 for 8, the opposition’s hopes of victory rested firmly on the shoulders of both the home and away fan’s favourite, Shaun ‘The Boundaries Aren’t Big Enough’ Adams. Sadly the opposition had not reckoned with one Thomas ‘Glass Back’ Lamb, who proceeded to decimate their top order with his wily blend of right arm slow and slower deliveries, accounting for the first 4 Calne wickets to fall, including that of Big Bad Shaun, and effectively ending the game as a contest. Honourable mentions should also go to Lodge, for an uncharacteristically tidy opening 10 overs (I don’t know how he managed 10 overs with an ass that size either); Pascall, for a handy 3 wicket spell that would probably have been 5 had your reporter not been wicket keeping; and Bond, for a hostile spell at the end of the innings, that also secured maximum bowling points in the final over.

With the report on Sunday’s victory (MORE LIKE A BLINKING DEMOLITION BOYS!!!!!!) over Apperley to follow shortly from Mr Andrew Pierce; that just leaves the small matter of this weekend’s ‘James Williams Man of the Weekend Award’. There were a number of candidates that may feel they were more deserving following their weekend exploits (Jenkins, Lodge, Lamb, Walker), but as you may already have guessed given the lengthy prologue and his back to back 50’s, this week’s award goes to the blazer-wearing, pocket square-sporting, catch-dropping (3 of them), Viagra-pedalling, mother-seducing, clapped out Rolls Royce, that is, William Johnson.

Be sure to return next week for what will no doubt be a ‘lively’ weekend of cricket, as we travel to Nationwide House on the Saturday, and host Rockhampton in the Village Knockout on Sunday as the quest for Lords rolls on.

James Williams